Become the Parent You Wish You’d Had

“How many of you think your parents loved you as a child?” Most of the hands in the room go up. “Now, how many of you felt loved?” Just a sprinkling of hands remains. No matter where I speak, the response is generally the same.

What was it like growing up in your family? Did you know you were loved? Did you feel loved? Could you trust your family? How were you disciplined? And the most important question: Do you want to raise your chidren the same way?

From one generation to the next, parents tend to do to their children what was done to them—because that’s what they learned from their own parents. If, for example, their folks took good care of them and protected them from harm, they will take good care of their own children and protect them as well. Unfortunately, negative patterns also tend to repeat, generation after generation, until someone commits to making the necessary changes that will put their family on the higher road.

Parenting is like a “blueprint” that is embedded in the subconscious mind. The way our moms and dads parented us is a powerful tool in determining what kind of moms and dads we will be. If you are happy with how you were raised, the blueprint will serve you. If not, you have the opportunity to design a better one. It’s most important, therefore, to take an honest look at your family history. Only an honest and complete survey of your family life will allow you to uncover the blueprint.

My mother was the oldest of twelve siblings living in difficult circumstances in Germany. She had too many responsibilities too early, and her parents were unable to meet some of her most important needs. Many years later, while she was raising five children of her own, she talked about how much she had always missed the love of her own mother. “How can I love when I never was loved?”

I decided early on that I would raise my kids differently. I wouldn’t follow the blueprint given to me by my family of origin. Becoming a loving, playful, positive mother became my life’s mission and passion. Both of my books tell how I unlearned the things that I didn’t want to be part of my own family, and how I learned what I did want. Many years later, my three grown children and I continue to enjoy the close family relationships that I longed for as a youngster.

If there were negative patterns in your family—addictions, abuse, or neglect, for example—you can create a better life for your kids. Instead of repeating negative patterns, you can make a firm, conscious commitment to become the parent you wish you’d had. Instead of repeating old mistakes, you can learn from them. Instead of wounding your children, you can heal yourself. What a triumph this would be for you, your children, and your grandchildren.

Karl Menninger summed it up: “Love cures people - those who give it and those who receive it.” When we deeply love our little ones and fulfill their physical and emotional needs, we set the foundation for mental health, self-esteem, and a life-long connection.

Self-esteem is rooted in unconditional love: love with no strings attached; love with respect, acceptance, empathy, sensitivity and warmth; love that says, “Regardless of what you do, I love and accept you for who you are.” Truly, love is the best gift you give to your children—and to yourself. And it all comes back to you!

This quotation from Eastern philosophy can inspire you to take the first step on this uplifting path: “Man who chooses the beginning of a path also chooses the end of it.”


© 2008 Dr. Louise Hart is Community Psychologist, parent educator, grandmother and author of two books:

• On the Wings of Self-Esteem: Jack Canfield (author of Chicken Soup for the Soul) said: "It's a wonderful book! If everyone in America read this book and did the recommended exercises, half of all the pain and suffering we now experience would disappear."

• The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself, a guide to Positive Parenting, praised by Dr. Barry Brazelton.

For more information, or to sign up for her free newsletter, visit http://www.drlouisehart.com.